Painful Lessons in Humility

As I contemplate my spiritual journey, I realize the spiritual path requires vigilance. We can never stop studying, learning or exploring. We must continually question and seek answers in order to grow. When we stop sustaining ourselves we slip back into the world of fear. We try to keep those fears at bay by overeating, consuming more sugar, keeping too busy to meditate and blocking out spiritual direction.

Spiritual History

I was born on Sunday and my Mother always commented on the poem about Sunday's child "being full of grace."  She said I was special, problem was - I didn't feel special. Researching the poem, I found the original from 1887 actually says:


"But the child that is born on Sabbath-day
Is bonny and happy and wise and gay. ."


This seems to describe me more accurately these days, but growing up, the happy, carefree child I was up to age 8, became more sullen and withdrawn from middle school up and through high school. I studied the Bible and I tried to live by the principles I learned, but my most important prayer - "Please make Mom stop drinking." was never answered. This left me confused and distrustful.

My Mother's alcoholism affected me deeply and it reflected in my school work and socialization skills. I believed in a concept of God that would step in and change my life. I didn't realize until later that the change had to come from within.


My marriage to my ex-husband ended in divorce due to his alcoholism, but this experience led me to Al-Anon which became my refuge and solace. It also became a way of life and a foundation for spirituality for me.


Instead of believing Jesus was some sort of sacrificial lamb, I related to his life as an example of how to live my own. I learned how to pray more effectively and to take responsibility for the mess my life had become. I began to change my life by changing myself and how I perceived things.

I never could relate to the concept that Jesus' death erased all my sins. No matter what anyone said, it didn't make sense to me. That seemed to be a "Get out of Jail" free card that would leave me off the hook to take any responsibility for my actions. What I could identify with was following his example by learning to pray and meditate on God and his goodness to change my life.

I took to heart the words quoted as coming from Jesus, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father." I lived the 12 Steps of AA and this gave me the foundation to take responsibility for my life.

I made a "searching and fearless inventory" of myself and took responsibility to change my behavior. I also stopped trying to change everyone else to meet my expectations. I was able to perform steps 1-10 and 12 just fine, but the 11th step, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God." was illusive until now.


I have been involved in an 18 year relationship with my life partner who I met in a Co-Dependents Anonymous group. Through this supportive relationship, I've accomplised a great deal. I've completed a master's degree and become a clinical social worker. I've had the privilege to work with people who have been afflicted with cancer. I've also worked with people at the end of their lives. 

My life has become one of service and more enriching than I ever expected. I have learned a form of meditation I can do any time called, Mindfulness Meditation. My prayer is more of an ongoing dialogue. I am grateful to Spirit and the opportunity to live in a world where I can recognize divine interventions in my life. I've come to realize is that my relationship with God is reflected in my relationships with everyone else in my life.


A while ago, I experienced a vision of a lotus blossom rotating out of my chest and the instruction to open my heart. At first, I thought that meant I needed to show my love for others, but I realized I also needed to let others love me and to accept that love.

The Struggle with Conflict

I have had to deal with many controlling people in my life. My biggest struggle has been how to maintain my sense of identity and find peace in these situations. Recently, I've had more conflict in dealing with this at my workplace.


I've had to go back to my 12 Step program and remember - I can't control others and how they choose to express themselves. All I can control is my reaction to them and make a choice to emotionally step back before responding.


When I am in these situations, I wonder how I slid away from my belief system. Part of the problem is I go into my ego and pride. I forget to stay in the moment and realize that my true power lies in not overreacting.


I also realized I have to feed my spiritual life as I feed my human body. I need to keep studying and hearing spiritual truths to grow spiritually. As I look at my own shortcomings, it helps me to accept what I observe in others. I am no better or worse than those who are trapped in the illusion that they actually have power and control.


Later, as I sat with this challenging person, I calmed myself and sat back in my chair. I listened and observed. I realized this person wasn't hearing what I said, but was reacting from their own inner insecurity. I came away calmer and more at peace.

I learned to listen to others before I discuss any issues. I also need to put my own insecurities aside and make sure I fully understand the situation before I speak. Silence can be daunting at times, but therein lies a great deal of power and control.